TLC’s “Birth Moms”

Didn't watch it. Good post :)

Hear hear. I did watch it. But that was because I figure that only people who know about adoption in the first place would think to boycott it. So I decided to watch it and refute it. Hopefully it won't be a series, but regardless, also hopefully, we can use the brief publicity for this terrible agency to educate people about just why it's terrible.I think you're right about religious based agencies. There's a conservative moralism about extra-marital pregnancy and even about poverty that is rather un-Christian (if you ask me) but nevertheless prevalent and leads to shaming of women in crisis pregnancy situations.

Oh and btw, if ANY of the agencies sponsoring BirthMom Buds EVER tried to tell BirthMom Buds how to run things, I know for a fact that BirthMom Buds would find other sponsors. BirthMom Buds was created for birth mothers to get support among each other and the blog helps us tell the stories and dispel some of the myths surrounding birth parents in general. BirthMom Buds only publicizes to get the idea of support out there - to tell women who have relinquished that they're NOT alone. It's not agency-affiliated, period. Only agency-sponsored. There's a CLEAR difference.

Uhhh...'scuse me??? *I* care about the fathers. Which is why I'm angry about Utah's laws in general. Why are you commenting anonymously? Why not own your situation? I'm SO sorry that you might've found out about your child too late, and I AGREE 100% that UT has laws that are WAY too friendly to adoptive parents and don't have the same equality toward the expectant parents considering adoption AND post adoption relinquishment. I'm composing a post about the unfairness of UT's laws in general RIGHT NOW, and I'd LOVE to hear your thoughts. You can remain anonymous on my actual post if you'd like, but PLEASE (and I sincerely mean this) email me at monika.zimmerman@gmail.com. I want to publicize your story in hopes that it changes laws (despite the fact that I didn't relinquish in UT nor do I live there (or ever plan to do so). The FATHERS of these kids are JUST as important as the mothers. My daughter's birth father is STILL involved and I'd want him to be even if we weren't still together (which we are). Again, PLEASE email me.

How is this show any different than you writing for "Birth Mom Buds"? They are both sponsored by adoption agencies. Pot, meet kettle. The show's association with agencies is out in the open. Birth Mom Buds association is on the sly. And this show has EVERYTHING to do with LDS. The show is written by LDS based baby brokers. "Not only is Utah a beautiful place, but it also has the most friendly adoption laws in the country. This is great news because it means that the road to adoption can be a much smoother process for everyone involved." one of their websites. Yes, that's right, "friendly adoption laws"- to ADOPTIVE PARENTS. Who cares about the fathers or pregnant women, it is all about the cash.

I NEVER EVER said in the post that it was all LDS, did I? I never said the agency was LDS either. I said that UT in general tends to have a lot of religious coercion, but I did not imply or say that the agency was LDS or religious. I never said that in the comments either other than talking directly TO someone who was commenting that IS LDS.

I was asked to be on this show, as a birth mom & I'm NOT LDS! That has nothing to do with the show.

Anon,It's one thing to own your own story. It's another to tell another mother what hers must be or what happened to her.As someone who knows many adoption "facts" I can tell you, the laws, policies, and processes that govern adoption are archaic, misogynistic, puritanical, and yes, unethical. This does not mean every adoption was unethical or wrong. I know people who work in adoption and child welfare who are amazing people and do their job well. But it does mean that it is a system and an institution that is not working well for everyone. As adoption impacts society's most vulnerable populations, women, children, unmarried individuals, low-income families (so on and so forth) those so moved to promote social justice have a moral obligation to make adoption as good as it can be.An adoption that cannot admit both the good and the bad and work to make the bad better is an adoption without integrity.

Hey Anon - If you're so proud of your choice (which is GREAT), why are you commenting on MY blog ANONYMOUSLY? Why not use your name?

you wrote "It is no longer a decision at that point. " ultimately it is your decision and you made the choice. don't blame others like that agency for your circumstances or your choice.

Anon- I relinquished through LDSFS, so some of us do have our facts straight and have personally dealt with the long term ramifications of relinquishing through that particular agency. I can tell you the agency is one of the worst in terms of coercion, mainly because it is almost, quite literally church doctrine to tell a woman to seek adoption in this scenario. When I was sent to my Bishop, that was the one and only solution I was offered. There was no talk of single parenting, because as you should know, in the LDS religion, single parenting is distinctly against their doctrine concerning the make up of a family. That alone is coercion. Not allowing a woman to come to that decision on her own, and citing religious doctrine to not guide a woman, but to tell her what to do? It is no longer a decision at that point. None of us are saying that adoption cannot be beautiful. However, when you add an agency that is backed by the moral compass of their religious doctrine that is not substantiated by social statistics, you get trouble. In this situation, with the show? It is at it's finest sheer exploitation. It aids and abets the agency in further profiting (think viewers), and it gives the wrong message to the general public about those within the adoption constellation. You sound like you have just recently relinquished, and I wish you the best of luck. It took me eight long years to finally come to the realization that I had been used so horrendously. I hope that you don't ever have to face that either, because I can tell you, it's the worst feeling in the world. Next to relinquishing your infant.

Anon - just because she refers to herself as a birthmother doesn't make it right or ethical. She doesn't know any better. Sadly, many women don't know all adoption entails until they become birthmothers and find out afterwards.

Adoption CAN be beautiful. I know that from experience. However it can also be highly unethical. This show will do NOTHING for those agencies out there that don't practice ethics. I never said this was anything but my opinion. However it seems that a LOT of people are in agreement with me. I'm glad that you're one of the LDS people I've heard of that don't believe that mothers who relinquish are simply vessels and not mothers.

im lds and i dont believe that an unplanned pregnancy = "God is using them as a vessel" and the "baby was never theirs" like u said. so you dont know your facts girl. theyre just opinions. that place is not even an lds agency. again u dont know ur facts. just opinions. adoption is a beautiful thing dont make it out to be horrible manipulative and unethical

I should add that even if the moms they feature on the show have already decided to relinquish, it's coercive to ANY expectant mom even considering relinquishing or to any woman that might find herself with an unplanned pregnancy someday.

Anon just because you know one person on the show who chose adoption does not make the premise of the show ethical nor does it make adoption practices ethical.Helping processes done by trained professionals are structured with evidence based practices and ethical standards and guidelines. Any helping process is about unbiased support and empowerment of the client to make the best decision for themselves, not one others want them to make, the practitioner themselves wants them to make, or from any other pressure. A good, ethical, helping process is client centered and directed.Framing a helping process, which adoption is, around the expectation that a mother will choose adoption, which is a bias and a pressure toward a decision in that end, is not an ethical process. Certainly not with cameras around and an audience watching for entertinment (I personally do not find adoption at all entertaining). Expecting people who aren't even parents yet to consider their future parental rights null and void is unbelievably manipulative and unethical to name just one terrible thing about this show.Adoption is a lifelong committment for original parents, adoptees, and adoptive parents. EVERY person in the constellation needs to make good choices, not just the o-parent who gets scapegoated "oops, she chose it, oh well!" but ALL people involved. TV crews, agencies, workers, everyone has an obligation to make the process helpful and pressure-free and ethical.

Anon- You know what? It is normal to call these women "birth mothers" when they are involved with such an agency- it's general practice. However, it should NOT be the normal. Agencies should not even be allowed to introduce the term until afterward, and only if the mother wishes to refer to herself as such. It's a coercive practice in and of it's self. And, yes, of course it was a tight knit group. When you have cameras shoved in your face during a time where you are making a heart wrenching, life changing decision, you had better make sure that woman has support- otherwise, it just looks like a vile experiment for other people's entertainment. Furthermore, don't speak for your friend's experience. If she wants to speak for it, then let her, but you have no idea, likely what she actually went through, and how much she is actually going through post-relinquishment. Shows like these are unnecessary. The adoption industry will profit from this show, and mothers will continue the be duped under the premise that adoption is "better", and the idea that they are not "enough".

To the anonymous commenter: Of course she volunteered for the show and she wasn't coerced. I never said the girls didn't volunteer. However the show is STILL coercive and I will NEVER EVER believe any different Also, my experience with LDS (I'm in a group, so I KNOW, though I didn't relinquish through them) is that they're brought up to think if they ever experience an unplanned pregnancy that "God is using them as a vessel" and the "baby was never theirs." So they already know they have no choice in the matter. I KNOW an LDS woman who still thinks that way. It's common. I can't believe the society in UT, which is HEAVILY LDS influenced, would be any different. I do in fact, "know my facts." Religion is heavily coercive on its own.

I haven't heard of the show. Thanks for sharing this info.http://www.memoirsofmeandmine.com/

i know one of the girls on the show and she referred to herself as a birth mom as soon as she chose adoption before relinquishment. this is common. also she volunteered for the show, no one forced her. she became very close friends with the film makers and they were a support. learn your facts.

Amen sista, Amen!

I was planning a post on this awful premise for a show too, but I may just link to yours.

I was also contacted from a production company about doing something like this. They wanted me to help them find mothers considering adoption to which I FLATLY REFUSED! Exploitation does not raise awareness and I will not have my story trivialized for "Reality TV" ratings...

Oh hell no.